Relieving the Boredom
by natalieashe
Summary: John is babysitting, Sherlock is bored, experiments with mobile phones have a lot to answer for - John/Sherlock Silly little one-shot - Rated M for sex


**A/N: I think Sherlock and John would make a point of hanging out regularly once the baby is born, but as any parent knows, sometimes taking care of the kids takes priority over your friends. This is a bit of silly fun - if I've achieved what I set out to do, it's the unsexiest sex in fandom, but hopefully funny. Written entirely in dialogue - first by text, then on the phone. Sherlock is bold italic, John is plain text. Please review.**

_**Bored! -SH**_

_**It's Saturday night. Why aren't you here? - SH**_

I'm babysitting. I did tell you. Mary has a night out with other new mums.

_**Must have filtered. They'll be like cackling hens - SH**_

Probably. Anyway I thought Greg was coming over to keep you company?

_**Who's Greg? -SH**_

_**Oh, Lestrade. He was here but we had a disagreement. I think I hurt him -SH**_

What did you say? Call and apologise, it'll be fine. He's used to you trampling over his feelings by now.

_**No, I mean I think I actually hurt him. Physically - SH**_

Oh god, did you punch him again? Is he ok?

_**He'll be fine, bit sore right now though. I may have overestimated his pain threshold - SH**_

Oh my god, what did you do to him? Are you sure he's ok?

_**It's supposed to be OMG John -SH**_

_**I was trying to demonstrate that a certain amount of pain can in fact be pleasurable. The nipple clamps were maybe not the best idea - SH**_

OMG! WTF? Why do you even have those?

Actually, never mind. Rather not know.

_**It was an experiment in keeping with our debate -SH**_

Of course it was. And that debate was...?

_**That the endorphins produced as a result of pleasure increase your tolerance to pain, obviously. Lestrade disagreed with my position so I had to demonstrate - SH**_

Were you two having sex?

_**What? No! Why would you think that? -SH**_

Um... Nipple clamps? Sex toy? Position?

_**Don't be juvenile John, it was an experiment. Perhaps I needed to spend longer on the pleasure before administering the pain -SH**_

Discussion needed between you and Greg I think! So was your experiment successful?

_**We didn't complete it - SH**_

So now you're bored. Tense? Irritable?

_**Of course I'm irritable, Lestrade left before the end. It makes the data I gathered worthless - SH**_

Not worthless Sherlock, you just need to try again sometime, but alter your parameters so that Greg is able to make it to the end.

_**I don't think he'll let me try again - SH**_

You might be surprised. So what now?

_**What are you wearing? -SH**_

Jeans and a sweater, why?

_**Is it the soft blue one that brings out the colour of your eyes and feels so good to touch? - SH**_

WTF? Sherlock, did you hack my phone again? This sounds like a conversation Mary and I... Oh! are you trying to send me sex texts?

_**Obviously -SH**_

Why?

_**It's an experiment. You told me to find something to do so I'm doing it - SH**_

Not this! If you want to investigate sex go out and find a willing partner. God knows half of London is willing! And stop hacking my phone!

_**Do you have anything better to do? You're stuck in your flat with a small person that can in no way stimulate your mind. I am offering a way for you to help science - SH**_

How does sexting with you help science? Other than making me need more meds to block out the trauma!

_**We are not 'sexting'. This is a legitimate experiment - SH**_

A Sexperiment?

_**Humour? Really John? - SH**_

My best friend is conducting a sex-related experiment on me. Believe me Sherlock, I need to hang on to humour! What are we trying to prove?

_**The limitations of male arousal at distance without manual stimulation -SH**_

What? Plain English?

_**The effectiveness of text sex, and possibly verbal sex -SH**_

Verbal sex? As opposed to oral sex ha ha. I assume you mean talking dirty?

_**Indeed. The effect of words alone, without touch -SH**_

Without touching myself?

_**Correct. No masturbation. Can I trust you? - SH**_

I think the fact I'm even contemplating this means we have a fairly firmly established trust, don't you? If I agree to this will you promise to call Greg?

_**Ok. Why? Never mind. Shall we begin? - SH**_

Ok.

Sherlock?

_**Apologies. My mind went blank so I had to search the internet for an erotic script. I'm ready - SH**_

_**Do you have a pen and paper handy? - SH**_

Ooh dirty talk! Why the hell do I need paper?

_**To record your observations John. You're not here just to enjoy yourself, there is a point to all this -SH**_

I thought the point was to get me horny?

_**If we must resort to such description, then yes, but I need to measure how aroused you are? -SH**_

But surely that is subjective? There may be a medical scale for it but it's not something I'm familiar with, are you?

_**No. Perhaps we should define a simplified scale? Say five levels? - SH**_

_**1 flaccid, no arousal 2 increased blood flow, minor interest 3 semi- erect, some sexual interest 4 erect, definite sexual interest 5 ejacuation, confirmed and evidenced sexual interest - SH**_

I suppose I could work with that. What would you expect currently?

_**A 2? You haven't turned me down flat which would indicate some stirring at the mere thought of this exercise - SH**_

Fair assessment. So this script? Please don't use a transcript of any conversation on my phone!

_**Relax. Comfortable? -SH**_

What do you think?

_**I meant are you sitting comfortably? - SH**_

Not exactly. Can we get on with it? Do you expect me to respond? Is this a two-way thing?

_**Do you give Mary 20 questions before you have sex? The only responses I require are observations. Please also note them down so I can analyse them later - SH**_

Ok. Ready. I think.

_**I couldn't stop thinking of you today. When I woke I realised I'd been dreaming of you. I was so hard - SH**_

Blushing! I hope this means we've started and that wasn't just something you felt you needed to share? Definitely triggered a 2.5 with that.

_**Excellent. Catalogue all physiological responses exactly like that please, not just the obvious - SH**_

_**In my dream when you walked in you were wearing the tightest fucking jeans and a tshirt that showed off your sensational body -SH**_

_**I couldn't wait to touch you. You looked so fucking hot - SH**_

Still blushing. The curse words are good. Definitely good. This is something off the net right?

_**I backed you up against the door and kissed you till you were moaning and writhing against me -SH**_

Maybe a 3 but stop signing every message. Being reminded it's you doesn't help.

_**Are you imagining someone else?**_

None of your business just carry on.

_**I kissed down your neck, nipping and sucking, leaving raised red marks. I pinned you to the door with my body. My own arousal pressed hard against your hip.**_

_**You curled your hands around my arse and pulled me roughly towards you, kissing me hard. So fucking hard.**_

_**We were pressed so close, grinding together, fierce hot kisses with tongues, teeth nipping at lips.**_

Ok, we're definitely well past a 3. The desire to touch myself is increasing. I feel warm. Slightly breathless. Having no physical stimulus is a bit frustrating though.

_**So you don't think you could reach orgasm from text message alone? -SH**_

No. The messages are nicely hot but the gaps between don't maintain stimulation. Perhaps if it was more two-way? I'm not offering that, just to be clear.

_**Outside my defined parameters. Maybe some other time -SH**_

_**I think we've reached the limit of what we can achieve by text. Shall we move on to the next stage? I'll call you –SH**_

* * *

_**"Did you remember to record all your observations?"**_

"Yes, yes. Got my trusty pad and pen here?"

_**"What's the matter? You sound nervous."**_

"Well, it's a bit weird isn't it? Actually talking... That detachment is gone and it's a bit more intimate?"

_**"That should assist surely?"**_

"Yes, but it's you and me! It's not like it's... Someone else and me."

_**"Hmmm. You can pretend I'm someone else if it helps? I believe married couples do that often once they commit to having sex with the same person forever."**_

"Sherlock!"

_**"Well don't you ever?"**_

"Occasionally, but don't you dare tell Mary!"

_**"Like she doesn't do it too."**_

"Sherlock, can we just get on with it before I become the second bloke to bail on you tonight?"

_**"Right. So where are we on the scale?"**_

"Um, probably back to a 2.5. Coitus interruptus will do that."

_**"Hang on."**_

"Oh wow! What are you doing? That got its attention! Do it again! That breathy thing."

_**"'It's'? I tucked the phone under my chin so I could move the mouse to get rid of the screen saver."**_

"It helps if I talk about it objectively. Don't judge. The heavy breathy thing was good."

_**"Interesting. Make a note, and I'll repeat it."**_

"Not as good that time. Maybe if it's anticipated it's less erotic. Surprise me again later?"

_**"Ok, back to the script. I palmed your cock through your jeans marvelling at your size."**_

_**"Ok why are you laughing?"**_

"Sorry. It's not what you said, I'm quite flattered, it's the way you said it. This is supposed to be sexy Sherlock - you're not reading case notes aloud in court!"

_**"So the words aren't necessarily important, it's the tone?"**_

"Yes. Try it with a sort of deep purr."

_**"I'm not a bloody cat!"**_

"Think more dangerous, sexy tiger than domestic moggy. I know - think about that text alert Irene Adler set on your phone and try to put something similar in your voice. But more manly, preferably."

_**"Interesting that in the context of what we're doing you ask me to be more masculine than feminine."**_

"Don't go there Sherlock. No analysis or deductions, just try it out."

_**"I palmed your cock through your jeans marvelling at your size. Better?"**_

"I'll say!"

_**"I really love it when you..."**_

"Umm?"

_**"Make me..."**_

"Ummmm?"

_**"A cheese and pickle sandwich."**_

"What? Sherlock!"

_**"Sorry, I wanted to know if the words mattered at all. Perhaps food isn't erotic."**_

"You had me until you mentioned the sandwich. Food can be sensual, but maybe not cheese and pickle."

_**"I couldn't wait to unzip you and push your jeans down to your muscular thighs. Wrapping my hand around you I worked you for a moment but I could wait no longer. I dropped to my knees."**_

"Jesus!"

_**"Good?"**_

"Almost a 4. Keep going."

_**"No touching. Keep notes."**_

_**"With one obscene, hot wet suck I sank down onto your eager length, my fingers curled around your base. Your fingers tangled in my hair as my tongue swiped repeatedly over and around you."**_

"Fuck notes, just say 4! Aaargh!"

_**"What? Surely not already?"**_

"Of course not! I'm never going to get there without some sort of friction! It's impossible to just imagine it into happening. Killing me!"

_**"I hold you steady against the door, pressing my free forearm across your stomach to still your jerking hips. I am in control of all sensation and you will come when I say you can."**_

"I can hear you smiling you bastard. This is supposed to be an experiment not a fucking torture session. Are you getting off on this?"

_**"Don't be stupid, I'm collecting data to support my hypothesis. Where are you up to?"**_

"4 and nothing you can say is going to get me any further you git!"

"Ok not even the freaking hot breathy thing! Look can you draw your conclusions so I can bugger off to the bathroom to reach my own conclusion before I start humping the sofa?"

"And stop laughing!"

_**"Ok, ok. Assuming my phone sex technique was somewhere near adequate, do you think you could ever come without touching yourself?"**_

"No! Give me ten minutes in the bathroom though if you value our friendship!"

_**"Only ten? Not entirely unsuccessful then. Go ahead, your phone is mobile, we can discuss the results while you conclude."**_

"Sod off Sherlock, I am not taking you in there with me! Now fuck off and call Greg like you promised. I think he'd really love to hear from you. Ring me back in an hour if you and he haven't found something better to do."


End file.
